Author: Grounded African

Proudly South African mum to a bright and gorgeous young human. Employee. Life Coach in the making. Blogger. Fascinated with and passionate about people and helping them grow.

Older but by no means colder!

Hi There,

Welcome back!

I was reading an interview with Dame Helen Mirren in the July 2017 issue of Fairlady magazine yesterday.  I love her to bits.  No matter how old she gets she never loses her spunk! Anyway… in it she was saying how things get better as you get older.  She says she is more confident and less likely to give a hoot of what people think.   It got me reflecting on my own life experience and I have to say that I agree.

I am almost halfway through my forties and in a lot of ways, my life is way better now than it was in my twenties.  I might be back to being single (yes, cute tattoo artist didn’t work out so we live, we learn and we move on…swiftly) but I have come to realise that life is filled with possibilities and opportunities  that I just hadn’t considered before.   I have mentioned before that I have been a late starter in everything so no surprises here..lol.  I feel more settled in my own skin and as a result, my confidence is growing. I feel more optimistic about my future than I ever have.  Weird when I think about it because in the current economic climate, my job is not secure.  I put this down to listening to the words of wisdom of those who have gone before me.

There is so much wisdom out there.  There is always a lesson to be learnt from other people’s life experiences.  I find people’s journeys through life fascinating as I believe that your past experiences and your reactions to them shape who and what you are today.  I recently watched “Becoming Warren Buffet”.  I found the man most fascinating. The thing that really blew me away was how decisive he is.  He also struck me as introspective.  As a young person in particular, he was very aware of his shortcomings and the impact that  they would have on him acheiving his goals so he would actively go about correcting his self-perceived flaws.   Reflection is a great tool that has clearly helped him grow in business and as a person.   Confucius says, “By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest”

A key difficulty that I have faced since turning 40 is the change that I see in the mirror.  I have learned that tying your identity to your physical image makes ageing harder.  I was always thin and, I didn’t realise it then but my perception of the level of my attractiveness was very intertwined with my weight.  The reason for this is a subject for another day. Anyway…as I have gained weight over the years I have felt less and less attractive.  Now I look in the mirror and my skin is not as smooth as it was and the tone is not as even and boy it has been hard to accept.  The icing on the cake was when i gave up smoking and gained 20kg in 5 months. What a shock to my system physically and to my psych!  (A word to the wise, when giving up smoking, replace your smoking habit with healthy habits to avoid such excessive weight gain.)  I am now able to accept that I am still attractive despite my weight (I pause to thank Anthony for helping see this), I feel a lot more confident.  I even feel sexy 😉  The weight definitely still has to go though.  Moving around is just easier as a thin person 🙂

Feeling more confident, more settled, more curious and having a better understanding of people has, I believe, led me to be a better mother.  I have been able to put more thought into the decisions I make with regards to my son and less afraid to go against the grain.  I make lots of mistakes no doubt but I  pray that he is on the right track to being able to make a meaningful contribution to this world one day.  I suspect he would have been a complete mess if I had had him in my twenties so God decided to bless me with him a little later.

Lastly, it is only in the last 2 years that I have felt ready to tackle my fear of commitment.  I bought a home for Alex and I and entered into a relationship that I believed had the potential to be long-term.  Sadly that didn’t pan out but it taught me that I am capable of adjusting my lifestyle and making compromises in order to give a relationship a fair chance.  I am a control freak and have always jealously guarded my independance so the fact that I could give up as much control as I did  to make the relationship work completely blows my mind.  Gees I was even cooking and baking!  I never thought I would see the day…lol!  Oh well, it was a great experience and it all just means that there is still someone out there for me 🙂

I feel like my life has really begun at 40.  I like to believe that I am a little wiser now with a lot to look forward to and lots of goals to achieve.  If you are on the cusp of 40 and a bit apprehensive about it, don’t be.  It’s actually a wonderful place to be 🙂

Until next time.

Bye

Bumps in the road

I have been working through A year of Miracles.  It’s a  book of daily devotions and reflections by Marianne Williamson.   On Day 67  ” Today I will be a friend to myself” I came across the line:  “I was waiting for someone else’s acceptance to prove to me that I was worth accepting!” It struck such a cord with me.

It took me about 40+ years to accept this. Thank goodness I finally did.  The day I walked out on the family member who’s acceptance I had always desperately craved, was the day I felt the strongest i have ever felt.  I thought it would break me.  it didn’t.

I didn’t plan on it.  It was an accusation made about my child that made me say “enough is enough”, pack my bags and get to walking with my son in tow. I was so angry. I got home and, once I had simmered down, I started to ask myself…”so what”.  The first thing I noticed was that I felt free! I actually felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.  Until that point I didn’t realise how much this craving for approval was weighing me down.  I was actually holding myself back from living my life.

This experience had me wishing I could live my life backwards so that I could have access to my hindsight sooner…lol.   I do however believe that everything happens for a reason and in a time frame that is right for you.   When you constantly live for other’s approval you actually start living their lives rather than your own.  This is also the reason why constantly comparing our selves to others and their achievements is also a fruitless exercise.  Why so we keep doing that to ourselves? 

This experience has taught me that the person whose acceptance is the most important is mine.  I need to accept myself first.  I need to be believe in me and be proud of my achievements no matter how small and no matter how delayed compared to everyone else. 

Motherhood has come later to me.  Love has come later to me.   The best part of it all is that I was only ready for both now.  I therefore can only truly appreciate the priceless treasures that these are now. My journey of self acceptance only started  10 years ago. I will never be done as self acceptance and the growth it brings is after all an ongoing process.  A journey. The ride is bumpy here and there but wouldn’t it be boring if it were all smooth sailing?

 Before I go, should mention that in this instance, walking away set the boundaries in that relationship. I receive less criticism and more offers of assistance instead. I will never be accepted by this person and that’s actually ok. They have their own issues that  they have to deal with and I wish them well on that journey.  In the meantime, I will deal with mine. 

Chat soon.

Michelle
 

Secrets and Revelations

It’s March 2007 and I am chilling in a hotel room in Cairo overlooking the river Nile. Oprah comes on tv. It’s episode 2 of the launch of the book “The Secret” by Rhonda Byrne. I am fascinated. Is the law of attraction real?
I get back to South Africa and start looking for the book but it hasnt been launched here yet. Fast forward a few weeks. Finally it’s here and I buy a copy and can’t wait to get home to start reading it. Most of the examples feel very shallow and don’t always ring true but there is something about the underlying message that feels like a core truth to me. I am spellbound and devour the book in a weekend. I decide that there are at least 3 principles that I can and want to put into practice. 
Let me take a step back. At this point in my life I am alone and have been for about 7 years. My career has flatlined and I am frustrated about it. I harbour a deep seated anger towards the world for reasons that I couldn’t possibly tell you. I am more than ready for a change although I didn’t really know it. 
Right, back to “The Secret”…I take the time to look at where I am and what I have accomplished in my life thus far. It’s not much by some people’s standards but it’s actually more than others have. Better yet, I come to identify and acknowledge strengths that I never realised I had. I realised how blessed I am and I am so grateful for what I do have. I also acknowledge my anger and “open my hands” to let go of it so that something good can take it’s place. Lastly, I set myself a few material and spiritual goals and resolve to be more conscious of my thoughts and how I talk to myself. It is now around June of the same year. 
Each day I focus on being grateful and being positive. Low and behold, in Sept I find out I am pregnant. Completely unplanned of course which to some is a disaster but to me it was a wonderful surprise. Suddenly I will not be alone in this world anymore…I am to be blessed with motherhood.  To be honest though, when I put out there that I didn’t want to be alone anymore, the furthest thing from my mind was a baby.  If that’s not enough, a month later I am offered a promotion. 
At the time, I didn’t really make the connection. It was only a few months later that I realised how many blessings came into my life once I opened my hands and just put those 3 principles into practice. My pregnancy not only brought me a wonderful son but it also a reignition of long lost friendships. It was an amazing time in my life. 
For as long as I believed in power of the law of attraction in the back of my mind, my life went pretty smoothly. Now I look back and see that at some point I stopped focusing on my thoughts and my dreams and now I reap the consequences of it. The good news is that all is not lost. I am a big believer in Dr Phil’s life law that “you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge” so now that I am aware, I can do something about it.  
I’ve got to go. I will leave you with the a reminder of 3 of the most important lessons I learned from The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. The first is to be grateful. The second is to open your hands and let go of thoughts, beliefs and emotions that are holding back. Nature arbors a vacuum so something will always flow in to take it’s place. Lastly, your thoughts create your world. 
Feel free to share your experiences with law of attraction in the comments section. I would love to hear from you. 
Chat soon.
Michelle