Category: Life

I’m letting go of control …eek!

As I write this, my heart is beating a little faster and my chest is feeling just a little tighter.  A sense of panic is setting in.   I am a control freak and the idea of letting go of control scares me to death (or so it feels).  The truth is that I actually have very little control of what happens in my life, I do however have control over how I choose to respond to it.  And that, it turns out, makes all the difference.

As a kid, I often felt “caged in” by my circumstances.   Of course in hindsight, I see how blessed I was.  Nevertheless, as a result of this, I have spent my adult life trying to control every aspect of my life.  I felt like a complete and utter failure when things have not worked out as planned or when friends have left me out of something.  I have striven to have the “perfect life” and have been severely disappointed when I have felt that I have not succeeded.  “Perfect” for me equated to “independent”.  Independence meant that I never had to ask for permission and I never had to rely on anyone for anything.  Asking for help was a mortifying experience. The only way to achieve independence in my mind was through control of every aspect of my life.  Control of my money, my feelings, and even the people in my life.  I did accept that there were certain things that I had limited or no control over after a while and that it was ok but even that was a struggle at first and still is at times.  Turns out independence is overrated (mostly)

There was a day in my early 20’s somewhere when my mom and I had a huge fight.  I have no idea what the fight was about, but I remember phoning my dad after and ranting about how unfair my mother was and how I wanted nothing more to do with her.  The only thing I remember him saying to me during that conversation is “no man is an island”.   At the time, I remember thinking: “yah yah whatever. I can survive on my own”.  Turns out he was right.  I cannot do it all by myself.  I need help from time to time.  Every time I push someone away, I hear my dad’s voice saying “no man is an island” then I take a step back and question why I acted this way in the first place.  Is this someone that I will regret letting go of when I am 100 and on my death bed one day and why?  If the answer is yes, then I eat humble pie and try to make amends.  Sometimes they come back and sometimes they don’t.  If they don’t, well then, I guess they have served their purpose in my life and I in theirs and it is time for us both to move on.  Yes, I know, I probably should ask that question BEFORE I push them away but to be honest sometimes I just need the space to get clarity first.

In order to be in control and be independent, I need to be sure of everything and I need to be right about everything.  To be sure that I am right, I must choose an option and remain steadfastly glued to it.  I must find the evidence to support what I believe is right and ignore everything that points to me being wrong.  The problem with this approach of course is that I am not right because, well, who ever really is? The other problem is that I close myself off to other opportunities that I might actually enjoy more.

Soooo…my goal is to give up control (breathe Michelle, you will be OK…) and be more open to all the options and experiences available to me. To be more spontaneous.  To be less judgmental.  To be more wrong.   I don’t have a choice but to be independent right now but nowhere is it cast in stone that I have to be a control freak in order to be independent.  Besides, as a mother, my ability to let go of control of my son is tested every day.  Every day I have to leave him in someone else’s care.  Every day I have to stop myself from telling him what to wear and not impose my ideas on him.  I have to let him be him and not who I want him to be.  As a partner in a relationship, I had to constantly make compromises that I didn’t know I was capable of until the moment arrived. I gave up so much control and even a bit of independence that I would sometimes look in the mirror and wonder who the woman was that was looking back at me…lol.  I have no regrets though.  The person and experience were ultimately worth it.

Forward we move. I’m looking forward to getting my feet wet in life’s little puddles.  I am putting desires out there and letting them go for the universe to take of.

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Until next time…Keep smiling.

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A nod to the women who have helped mould me

I had an exciting start to my day!  I found my old music on my hard drive!  Needless to say, I have been dancing the morning away!  There very few stress relievers as effective as a good shake to music you love.  Not only does music help me shake off the stress but it can also uplift, and motivate me. I was also fortunate to become a woman when the music scene was exploding with loads of strong women.  They encouraged us to believe in ourselves as women through their music.  I also found their strength and independence intoxicating.  The music videos were full of sass and I wanted to be like them.   This post is a nod to these fabulous, strong, pioneering women!

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The 80’s

As a teen, I listened to the likes of Aretha Franklin, Diana Ross and the Supremes, Dionne Warwick, Anita Baker and Regina Bell, Gloria Gaynor, Whitney Houston and Madonna.  Behind the music were these powerful personalities that radiated off the screen in their music videos and blasted through the speakers.  Their voices were awesome.  They sang with such passion.  I figured out early on that I was never going to make it as a singer but I could still be strong and independent like them.  On the sidelines was my dad constantly telling me that I could do anything a man could do and I could even do it better.  (oh the poor men who have encountered me since…very few egos have come away unscathed😜.  Sorry guys.  Now you have someone to blame) My mother has always been fiercely independent by nature and got on with doing what needed to be done quietly in the background.  Thanks to her example, the idea of been dependent on anyone has never really entered my mind. At the same time I spent a lot of time around my dad’s sisters who were all very strong and independent women.  Thanks to my family, it was almost inevitable that I would be a strong and fiercely independent women.  Then came the 90’s…

The 90’s and beyond

OMG, the hip and R&B scene exploded with amazing, bold female artists.  Their music and their persona’s reinforced everything that I believed I could be as a woman. Queen Latifah, Mary J Blige, TLC, En Vogue, Missy Elliot, Salt-N-Peppa, MC Lyte, Janet Jackson to name just a few. I was just stepping into the big world.  These funky divas were my inspiration.  At the same time, Nelson Mandela had been released from prison and suddenly we had opportunities available to us that were had only dreamed of. To be exposed to all these dynamic women of colour making their way in the world at that point in my life was a heady experience.  At the same time my friends were all strong personalities as well and I drew strength and inspiration from them as well.  My friend Lyall’s mum, Aunty Merle, played a huge role in our lives sharing her words of wisdom with us when ever we needed them.  We were blessed to have each other as well as strong role models like aunty Merle guiding us.   Of course later came exposure to the likes of Oprah and Maya Angelou, Winnie Mandela and Albertina Sisulu.  They were such powerful matriarchal figures. I only started paying attention to  them a little later in my life though. Beyonce has also become another source of inspiration.  Her work ethic and spunk are inspiring.

I genuinely believe that there has never been a greater time to be a woman.  I know there is still much to overcome.  I believe we will overcome and we will continue to rise. We run the world after all! 😉  Salute to you all!

I leave you with this thought provoking quote from Alice Walker.  Don’t forget to like and share if you enjoyed this post.

#canva #strongwomen #power #Alicewalker #groundedafrican #african #blog

“Men are stubborn. Women have strong personalities…”

Sorry men but all women know this to be true…and yes, there really is a difference. I had a good laugh today when one of my colleagues shared the outcome of  her conversation  with her husband last night about this very topic.  His response…”stop using “Woolworths language” on me…lol!  As far as he was concerned, it is the same thing.

Men are stubborn

#menarestubborn #blog #life

I was actually having a similar discussion with my cousin last night and she said the same thing to me.  I, of course, agreed.  Based on my experiences with males they are just stubborn creatures.  From my dad to my son and everyone I have encountered in between is as stubborn as a mule. As frustrating as it is, it can actually be quite an endearing quality  but only in hindsight.  At the time of encountering the stubbornness,  a woman could find herself in jail on an attempted murder charge!  Ladies, is it just me or do they automatically sense when we have PMS and chose exactly that time to be at their most stubborn or are we just more sensitive to their stubbornness at that time of the month???

Stubborn men are magnets for women with strong personalities

Have you also noticed how the stubbornest men seem to end up with women who have the strongest personalities?  I suspect it is the lure of the challenge that draws us to these men.  We want to be the ones that “open their eyes” to the error of their ways.😜 Of course we would never want to change them…I know you were thinking it guys but believe me when I say it is not true.  In our eyes, there is a difference to making you aware of something and trying to change you.  We do, of course, hope that the newfound awareness will make you choose to change of your own accord but we would never expect you to change.😉 Wait, let me take a step back, we first pray for the awareness and then hope that you will make the necessary changes.  We don’t hold our breathe though as we could turn blue and die…🤪

Very stubborn men ooze testosterone

Men do have various degrees of stubbornness.  The very stubborn ones ooze testosterone I’m sure because they are super sexy too. Maybe it’s not the testosterone, maybe it’s just the thrill of the challenge that makes us see them as sexy.  Either way, I don’t know about you but I find that very stubborn men are sexy and are very hard to walk from.  Now men, this is not an invitation to dig your heels in further.   The good news is that there is someone out there that will see you as the stubbornest mule they have encountered and find you sexy because of it.

Men are born hunters. Woman are born fixers. 

If a man is being stubborn about something, then hell yes, we will want to change his mind.  We are born fixers.  When are being stubborn about something we sometimes see it as a flaw that needs to be “fixed”.  (there I said it) Some women are wiser than others though and have learnt the art of planting the seed and waiting a man out.  I am not one of them.  I was definitely playing up in the trees when God was handing out patience.  I came skating in at the tail end of it.🤦🏽‍♀️ I will therefore be on his case from time to time to “open his eyes” to what ever it is you need to see.  We woman have a natural gift of foresight.  Trust us when we say “open your eyes”…

Sometimes you just have let the horse die of thirst next to the sparkling watering hole

As much as I love the challenge, I am also a firm believer in accepting that there are certain things I have no control over.   I think a lot of woman are starting to accept this.  There are so many strong woman who are single.  Happily so I might add.   One has to just let go and let God at some point.  I haven’t always been this way though.  I have been known to drag many a horse to water and even push it in before I accept that it will not drink.  Can’t take me anywhere!   These days I just leave them at the watering hole.  I need to conserve my energy to get back on the trail.  I am on a journey through this life after all and one day a willing (and sexily stubborn) companion will drink from the watering hole with me and walk off with me on that journey.  Of this I have no doubt.

So how do you know if you have a woman with a strong personality you ask. 

  • She is loyal to a fault.
  • She will challenge you and herself
  • She will have strong faith in her God and in you
  • She will invest her time, her love, her energy, her faith in you
  • She will be comfortable in her own skin
  • She won’t need your help but will ask for it anyway because she knows how important it is you
  • She thinks…a lot!
  • She laughs … a lot!
  • She tells it like it is (yes, sometimes it hurts…ok ok…it always hurts but once you are done licking your wounded ego, you will be grateful she said it.  Yes that’s right…because it… “opens your eyes”)

See the difference men? I thought you might 😉

So…let’s celebrate the stubbornness in men and the strength of women.  🥂 Life would be so boring if the sexes were the same.  Let me know what you think.  Do you have the same experience of the sexes?

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