How often have you looked around you, at your friends, at your family, your colleagues and felt like a failure or felt less successful? I have done it so many times. I felt so down because I didn’t have a fancy car and I didn’t own a home let alone a home in the “right” area. I didn’t have a fast tracked career. I was “average”. Shock and horror😱.
Mark Twain once said that comparison is the thief of joy. I think it takes most of us a while to come to this realisation. Some of us never do. We spend our entire lives chasing someone else’s definition of success without even understanding if that definition even brings that person joy and inner peace or are they just enslaved by their material trappings, their “symbols of success”. I found that by comparing myself to others, I was constantly focused on their material gains…the car, the house and even the career. I did not question if they had sold their souls to gain these material goods and live in the lap of luxury.
Not all comparison is bad though. A lesson that I teach my son is that his growth as a person and in everything he does is determined by the benchmarks he sets himself. This he should base on his comparison of his “today”self to his “yesterday” self. In this way he will continously improve and, perhaps without trying to, he will be the champion of his chosen sport or the head of a company one day. I try and apply the principle in my own life although it does take reflection and I am not that good at it. What’s also cool about doing this is that suddenly, your so called failures become your learning curves. Yip, you can’t help but start looking at failure in a positive light. Who knew???? In addition, when you look at it in a positive light you tend to be less hard on yourself because it puts the failure in perspective.
Here’s the thing though. Materially I am not much better off than i was before my “epiphany” on failure. Mentally though I am deinitely stronger. Emotionally I am definitely happier. How did I get to this place though? Well, it is actually pretty simple. After reading “The Secret” by Rhonda Byrne, I sat down and listed all the things i had achieved. I was definitely not modest about it too. No filters were used. I was so blown away when I was done. I had actually accomplished so much already. Turns out I am a success in my own right. This realisation gave me the desire to want to go out and want to do more. I set myself new goals and have achieved some already. Some I can almost taste while I may need to adjust my sails in order to achieve others.
“Failures are fingerposts on the road to achievement.” – C.S. Lewis
I have many fingerposts that have pointed me in the direction of my achievements and I love it. I wouldn’t have it any other way. What does your journey look like?
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Sjoe, how time is flying! I don’t know about you, but I find that I am so busy at work these days that I have almost no energy to do things I want to do when I get home. Work is not going to ease up anytime soon so I have been reading up on ways to work around it and make the time to do the things I want to do. Everyone wants a “work-life balance” but what does it really mean to you and how do you work it so that you not only find the balance but you enjoy your time in both worlds? I haven’t found the answer to this yet, but I think I am heading in the right direction for me. These are just a few tips that I started implementing that may help you too if you have a similar dilemma.
Wake up earlier
Anyone who knows me knows that waking up early is definitely not my thing. Here’s the thing though, when I wake up earlier and write, I find my thoughts are crisper and clearer. I can actually get a whole blog post done. The house is silent, so there arebno distractions. The sounds of Mother Nature doing her thing outside are soothing to my soul. I still don’t like waking up early in the morning, but (I never thought i would ever say this) it has its advantages. It’s an important part of my “me time” (more about that later) and it’s where I get some of my “work” thinking done.
Restrict Social media use
I am guilty of having my phone in my hand most of the time that I am awake. If I think about it, my phone habit has replaced my smoking habit. (Aaaah the joys of an addictive personality😜.) I have had to train myself to turn this habit into a positive one. My phone has become an educational and productivity tool rather than just a time thief. How you ask? I spend more time reading books via my kindle app and google books, writing blogs and learning from reading other’s blogs on WordPress and Medium, than I do on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. I am also able to check and answer emails and messages, do research on the net and source inspirational and motivational material to keep me going.
Of course, social media always beckons if you let it so I switch off my notifications. This just takes away the reason to open the apps regularly. When I find that this is not working for me then I delete them for a few months. Out of sight = out of mind. Another reason that I don’t visit social media often anymore is that I find it draining, especially Facebook. Far too many people bring their personal baggage to the app. Scrolling through all the sadness and the complaining steals my joy and my energy. Of course, who and what you follow on social media also determines your experience of it so I guess I need to relook at who I follow on Facebook especially. IG is a much happier environment for me probably because I follow a lot more inspirational and motivational sites and fewer people as such. Twitter gives me a snapshot of world events at a moment in time, which can get depressing if you let it.
Switch off to the world and on to the relationships that matter
I only get to see my son for approximately 5 hours every day. An hour or so in the morning before school and about 4 hours at the end of the day before bedtime. During those times, I try and keep my phone out of my hands and focus as much on him as possible. We go over homework, catch up on his day. Watch a little tv together and, of course, have our bedtime reading session. It’s scary to think that I blink and he is another day older.
Now my boyfriend, on the other hand, is a screen addict. If he is not on his phone, then he is glued to the TV or his computer. It’s not only for entertainment though, sometimes it’s work-related. If I didn’t know better, I would think that I bored the crap out of him. Fortunately, he does have other things away from “the screen” that he is interested in and that we have in common. We use that to form our own little bubble and enjoy each other’s company as often as we can. Being able to connect with my son and boyfriend fulfils and sustains me.
Me time
This is where I find my peace. Since I started waking up earlier, I find that this is about the best time for me to spend time reflecting, praying and just connecting with God and myself. That stillness in the morning naturally lends itself to this practice. I write in my journal. I set goals. I pray. I still haven’t gotten into the habit of meditating as such yet, but I will get there.
I still need to find the time in my day for exercise as I really need to get into that habit. It would definitely help me create more energy for the things I want to do. Making time to reach out to friends is also a priority for me, however I haven’t worked it in it. Lastly, creating a study schedule that I will stick to is also a challenge. I will figure something out though.
Do you have any tips and tricks to create time in your day that you could share? Please do add them in the comments section. I would love to hear from you.
Ultimately, I have had to look ahead and decide what I would like to accomplish 1, 5 and 10 years from now and prioritise my life so that it is possible to achieve those goals. There are things that I still need to let go of because that sap my energy and are holding me back. It’s going to take courage though and, to be honest, I am still a little paralysed by fear. I will get there though.
Here’s a link to a great talk on how to gain control of your time by Laura Vandakram which I found after writing this blog and has given me additional food for thought. There might be something you find useful too.
It’s been a while but I here I am. After all, winners never quit and I ain’t no quitter 🙂 I wrote exams this week on Child and Adolescent Development. I had to smile as I went through the text book. It brought back so many memories of when my son was a baby. It was actually pretty cool to see how far we had come together.
Motherhood is a challenge like no other but, for me, it is the most fulfilling role I get to play every day. The day I found out I was pregnant was a surprise of note but the best surprise ever. I was fortunate enough to have a wonderful pregnancy. None of the usual aches and pains I had heard about and no morning sickness. I loved speaking to my son throughout the day and, in my last trimester, I would read Winnie the Pooh to him. We actually still read that book from time to time and it has become one of his favourites.
Then he arrived. I was scared, hormonal but very thrilled to finally meet him. He was a beautiful baby. He didn’t sleep much which drove me nuts but I was glad he had finally arrived.
The Observer
Watching him become the person that he is today has been an inspiring and, sometimes nerve-wracking, pleasure. At 2.5 months or so, it’s like a light suddenly switched on and he really came alive. He had discovered his 3-year-old cousin who was clearly way better at entertaining and stimulating him than I was. He just lit up whenever he saw him. The bond that they formed during that time is still as strong as ever. We only get to see him about 2-3 times a year and the two still enjoy each others company. It was so cute to hear them last Christmas when it was time to say goodbye. His cousin told him how much he missed him because nobody “got him” the way my son did.
Cousins having fun making candles
At 6 months the munchkin was crawling and started surfing the furniture. I would come home from work and just watch him explore. Of course, once he started surfing the furniture, standing was easy but getting back to a sitting position was a bit of a challenge. No problem for my kid, he spent about half an hour one night just practising how to lower himself without getting hurt. I was blown away when I realised what he was doing. At 14 months he decided he wanted to jump with 2 feet off the floor. He could do it on the bed but not on a hard floor. He practised every day. Then one day we went down to the farm and there was a trampoline. Well…he was such a comical site jumping and keeping his legs up mid-jump. He looked like a little frog. The look of sheer delight on his face though…priceless! He still sets himself goals and manages to achieve them. They are more challenging now like coming first in class but I am just glad to see that the behaviour has stuck. There have been many more moments like these along the way and I look forward to the many moments to come.
The Caregiver
There is nothing more fulfilling as a mother than being able to look after your child/children. I have never enjoyed cooking but it has become a labour of love for my child. The best times are when we cook or bake together. I don’t know which was more shocking to my own mother, the day I called to say I was pregnant or the day I called to ask for her bacon and egg tart recipe. My mother is the best baker ever by the way and I think I may have inherited that gene (yay!). He has a great sense of style and is just really starting to discover himself so taking him shopping is quite fun. He also has a good eye for what will look good on me so he makes a great shopping companion. When he is sick, which thankfully is very rare, I get to nurse him back to health. At night we get to cuddle and read a story before I kiss him goodnight. He looks forward to our bedtime ritual every night. I probably only have another 2 or so years of it before he tells me he is too old for it so I cherish every opportunity that we have.
My mini chef at work
The Teacher
Every day is an opportunity to teach him something new even if it’s a new word. Fortunately, he is a curious soul like his mom so he enjoys learning and being challenged. Experience is also part of learning so I have tried to incorporate new experiences in whenever I can and when money allows. I remember reading in Malcolm Gladwell’s book, Outliers, that one the differences between children from wealthier families compared to poorer kids is the way in which they spent their holidays. He had noted that the average test scores of children regardless of background at the end of a school term were about the same. However, when testing them again at the beginning of the next term, children from wealthier backgrounds tended to score higher. He surmised that one of the reasons for this is that wealthier kids tended to have experiences that cemented the knowledge they gained in class over the holidays while poorer kids tended not too as they were more likely to spend their time playing with friends at home. I can’t afford to give him a whole horde of different experiences every holiday but I can take him to museums, the aquarium, little road trips and the like to continuously bring to life what he learns and try and add to his knowledge and life experience. It’s also a great way to spend sometime together outside of our normal day to day setting.
Entertainment time
The Supporter
I am fortunate in that my son enjoys participating in various sporting activities. Of course, it means my weekends get interrupted regularly but I don’t mind. He is having the time of his life and not sitting on a couch all day mindlessly watching cartoons or something.
Soccer fanatic
The Psychologist/Confidante/Life Coach
For the first seven years of his life, it largely was just the two of us. We did everything together and, because we didn’t live near any other kids for most of that time, I was his best friend. Trust has been a very very important part of our relationship and I have had to work hard to ensure that he always feels safe enough to tell me about the things that bother him and the things that make him happy. When he was younger and still battling to process and articulate his feelings, at the end of story time, we would share what made us happy/mad/sad/scared that day. Through this and other exercises, I eventually figured out the sources of his tantrums and brought them to a halt. He has shared most of his little secrets with me although I think there are some that I think he has held back on. As long as they didn’t appear to have anything to do with his safety or peace of mind, I have respected his need to hold onto them. Lastly, there’s the role of life coach. Guiding his choices on who to hang out with, what sports to play and how to handle conflicts with other children or his teachers (as is prone to happen as he is very outspoken), has been a learning experience for me too.
There so many other hats I have to wear disciplinarian, spiritual coach, mentor and more. Each one of these roles is no more important than the next and all are tied together beneath a cloak of endless unconditional love. All parents even if their children are of the animal variety rather than human can attest to this being the most fulfilling love one can give and receive in return.
We are officially half way to legal adulthood. I am sure that the road will still have lots of twists and turns. God-willing, I will get to watch him grow into a man. I am looking forward to the journey.
Grounded African 