“Sometimes it’s the journey that teaches you a lot about your destination” Drake

Oh my hat!  These past two weeks have been an emotional roller coaster of note. Making the decision to let go of control 2 weeks ago has brought about a lot (and I mean a loooot) of soul searching.  In the process I have uncovered a few truths about myself that I guess I always knew but have not been able to accept in the past.  I know this sounds weird but it feels like a gateway has opened for a limited time and, in order to go through it and appreciate whats on the other side, I need to change the lenses through which I view myself and the world around me.

It sounds simple enough doesn’t it, just change the lenses. The problem is that these lenses also change my view of myself when I look in the mirror.  Turns out there are parts of me that have served me well over the first 45 years of my life but now need to be shed to allow me to evolve and grow. It is accepting this fact and letting go of what I am that has caused this emotional roller coaster ride that I am now on.   I feel like the ugly duckling and am praying that I am a cygnet and not just a very ugly duckling deluding myself that I am swan in the making…lol.

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If I think back, this all started when I started the energy of attraction meditation experience by Deepak Chopra and Oprah.  One morning, I was listening to someone complain, yet again, about the issues they were having.  These issues have been the same issues for the past 2 or more years.  Their behaviours haven’t really changed but this person expected their situation to change even though they kept doing the same thing over and over and it wasn’t actually working.  Something in me clicked listening to them and I knew that it was time that I changed things up in order to break the cycle I found myself in.   I needed to let go of the things I was holding onto that have not moved me forward so that I could make space for the things and people that will.  I did not expect the inner turmoil that I would unleash in myself.  On the positive side, I have had amazing support from my friends, cousin and sisters that has really helped me put things into perspective.

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This is a journey that I am on.  I will stumble from time to time but that’s ok. I just need to learn to trust that the GPS coordinates I have are correct.  I can’t see the destination on the map right now and that’s ok too.  Faith that that “voice” knows where it is taking me to and that the destination is where I need to be in the future is all I need.  There will be pit stops along the way where I will meet people and have experiences that will mould me into the person I need to be by the time I reach that destination.   I just need to open myself to the lessons.  I just hope there are a few vehicle upgrades planned  as I go along as this one gives quite a bumpy ride…Sjoe😜

It’s pouring with rain outside right now so I am going to grab a cup of coffee, settle back into my bed and continue learning from Steve Job’s journey through his biography.  I am only about 12% of the way through but I would highly recommend it.  The man was fascinating.

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I’m letting go of control …eek!

As I write this, my heart is beating a little faster and my chest is feeling just a little tighter.  A sense of panic is setting in.   I am a control freak and the idea of letting go of control scares me to death (or so it feels).  The truth is that I actually have very little control of what happens in my life, I do however have control over how I choose to respond to it.  And that, it turns out, makes all the difference.

As a kid, I often felt “caged in” by my circumstances.   Of course in hindsight, I see how blessed I was.  Nevertheless, as a result of this, I have spent my adult life trying to control every aspect of my life.  I felt like a complete and utter failure when things have not worked out as planned or when friends have left me out of something.  I have striven to have the “perfect life” and have been severely disappointed when I have felt that I have not succeeded.  “Perfect” for me equated to “independent”.  Independence meant that I never had to ask for permission and I never had to rely on anyone for anything.  Asking for help was a mortifying experience. The only way to achieve independence in my mind was through control of every aspect of my life.  Control of my money, my feelings, and even the people in my life.  I did accept that there were certain things that I had limited or no control over after a while and that it was ok but even that was a struggle at first and still is at times.  Turns out independence is overrated (mostly)

There was a day in my early 20’s somewhere when my mom and I had a huge fight.  I have no idea what the fight was about, but I remember phoning my dad after and ranting about how unfair my mother was and how I wanted nothing more to do with her.  The only thing I remember him saying to me during that conversation is “no man is an island”.   At the time, I remember thinking: “yah yah whatever. I can survive on my own”.  Turns out he was right.  I cannot do it all by myself.  I need help from time to time.  Every time I push someone away, I hear my dad’s voice saying “no man is an island” then I take a step back and question why I acted this way in the first place.  Is this someone that I will regret letting go of when I am 100 and on my death bed one day and why?  If the answer is yes, then I eat humble pie and try to make amends.  Sometimes they come back and sometimes they don’t.  If they don’t, well then, I guess they have served their purpose in my life and I in theirs and it is time for us both to move on.  Yes, I know, I probably should ask that question BEFORE I push them away but to be honest sometimes I just need the space to get clarity first.

In order to be in control and be independent, I need to be sure of everything and I need to be right about everything.  To be sure that I am right, I must choose an option and remain steadfastly glued to it.  I must find the evidence to support what I believe is right and ignore everything that points to me being wrong.  The problem with this approach of course is that I am not right because, well, who ever really is? The other problem is that I close myself off to other opportunities that I might actually enjoy more.

Soooo…my goal is to give up control (breathe Michelle, you will be OK…) and be more open to all the options and experiences available to me. To be more spontaneous.  To be less judgmental.  To be more wrong.   I don’t have a choice but to be independent right now but nowhere is it cast in stone that I have to be a control freak in order to be independent.  Besides, as a mother, my ability to let go of control of my son is tested every day.  Every day I have to leave him in someone else’s care.  Every day I have to stop myself from telling him what to wear and not impose my ideas on him.  I have to let him be him and not who I want him to be.  As a partner in a relationship, I had to constantly make compromises that I didn’t know I was capable of until the moment arrived. I gave up so much control and even a bit of independence that I would sometimes look in the mirror and wonder who the woman was that was looking back at me…lol.  I have no regrets though.  The person and experience were ultimately worth it.

Forward we move. I’m looking forward to getting my feet wet in life’s little puddles.  I am putting desires out there and letting them go for the universe to take of.

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Until next time…Keep smiling.

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A nod to the women who have helped mould me

I had an exciting start to my day!  I found my old music on my hard drive!  Needless to say, I have been dancing the morning away!  There very few stress relievers as effective as a good shake to music you love.  Not only does music help me shake off the stress but it can also uplift, and motivate me. I was also fortunate to become a woman when the music scene was exploding with loads of strong women.  They encouraged us to believe in ourselves as women through their music.  I also found their strength and independence intoxicating.  The music videos were full of sass and I wanted to be like them.   This post is a nod to these fabulous, strong, pioneering women!

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The 80’s

As a teen, I listened to the likes of Aretha Franklin, Diana Ross and the Supremes, Dionne Warwick, Anita Baker and Regina Bell, Gloria Gaynor, Whitney Houston and Madonna.  Behind the music were these powerful personalities that radiated off the screen in their music videos and blasted through the speakers.  Their voices were awesome.  They sang with such passion.  I figured out early on that I was never going to make it as a singer but I could still be strong and independent like them.  On the sidelines was my dad constantly telling me that I could do anything a man could do and I could even do it better.  (oh the poor men who have encountered me since…very few egos have come away unscathed😜.  Sorry guys.  Now you have someone to blame) My mother has always been fiercely independent by nature and got on with doing what needed to be done quietly in the background.  Thanks to her example, the idea of been dependent on anyone has never really entered my mind. At the same time I spent a lot of time around my dad’s sisters who were all very strong and independent women.  Thanks to my family, it was almost inevitable that I would be a strong and fiercely independent women.  Then came the 90’s…

The 90’s and beyond

OMG, the hip and R&B scene exploded with amazing, bold female artists.  Their music and their persona’s reinforced everything that I believed I could be as a woman. Queen Latifah, Mary J Blige, TLC, En Vogue, Missy Elliot, Salt-N-Peppa, MC Lyte, Janet Jackson to name just a few. I was just stepping into the big world.  These funky divas were my inspiration.  At the same time, Nelson Mandela had been released from prison and suddenly we had opportunities available to us that were had only dreamed of. To be exposed to all these dynamic women of colour making their way in the world at that point in my life was a heady experience.  At the same time my friends were all strong personalities as well and I drew strength and inspiration from them as well.  My friend Lyall’s mum, Aunty Merle, played a huge role in our lives sharing her words of wisdom with us when ever we needed them.  We were blessed to have each other as well as strong role models like aunty Merle guiding us.   Of course later came exposure to the likes of Oprah and Maya Angelou, Winnie Mandela and Albertina Sisulu.  They were such powerful matriarchal figures. I only started paying attention to  them a little later in my life though. Beyonce has also become another source of inspiration.  Her work ethic and spunk are inspiring.

I genuinely believe that there has never been a greater time to be a woman.  I know there is still much to overcome.  I believe we will overcome and we will continue to rise. We run the world after all! 😉  Salute to you all!

I leave you with this thought provoking quote from Alice Walker.  Don’t forget to like and share if you enjoyed this post.

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