‘You will never have this day again so make it count’ – the cover of my new spiral notebook said. Ironic, given that death is top of mind for me today. It’s been 5 years since my mum passed away. While our lives have moved on, I sometimes find myself wondering what I could have done to make my time with her count more.
As I have mentioned in previous posts, my mum and I were not very close. There is nothing I can do to change that, but it’s always good to reflect and learn from our experiences. Here’s what I’ve come up with:
I would have given her more grace.
I was (and still am) very headstrong as a kid. My mum and I would constantly clash. I thought I had all the answers. As a result, she would often send me to my dad for help with my homework, in an effort to preserve her sanity. I took this as a sign that she didn’t know the answers, but that wasn’t true. She knew. She just didn’t want to get into an argument if her answer wasn’t what I expected. I grew up believing that my dad was way smarter than my mum, but she was actually just as smart, if not smarter in some ways. I can only imagine how much better our relationship would have been and how much I would have learned from her if I had just given her some grace and respected her knowledge more.
I would have spent more quality time with her
I would have spent more time doing the things she loved with her. Baking was my mother’s love language. She poured her heart and soul into it, and it was evident in every morsel. As I write this, my son is making an apple pie in memory of her. It’s what she did with her grandchildren. It’s how she built a bond with them. They loved baking with granny, and it’s how my son chooses to connect with her even though she is gone. She and I also enjoyed word puzzles, so I tried to connect with her over that, but I could have done more. We also enjoyed reading, although she enjoyed romance novels the most, which was just not my thing. But I would read her books nonetheless and add some to her little bookshelf for when she was in the mood to read.
I seem to have intuitively done these things with my son. I have made it my priority to spend as much time as possible doing the things he enjoys so that we can share the bond that I didn’t get to share with my mum. I do appreciate that my mum had to split her time and energy between four very different daughters, so she did the best she knew how. I only have one child, and that is taxing enough, so I can only imagine what it was like raising four!
I was thinking back to the stories that people told of her at her memorial, and it was wonderful to hear how she became a mentor to some. My mother always loved giving back to the community, especially through the church, and it was evident that the manner in which she chose to give back had evolved from being part of committees to mentoring people. She kept giving back to the very end.
I do miss her terribly and always will. I am glad, though, that she is at peace where she is, and I am grateful that she is still there when I need her – just in a different form. I am also very grateful that she passed her baking skills on to my son. That apple pie he made was delicious!
I guess that’s it for now. Chat soon.
Grounded African 