I have never been one to over analyse what’s gone wrong in any of my relationships. I have often taken the route of pompously getting on my horse and riding off into the sunset believing I was the better person and that I had been done wrong by the other party. Pretty damn immature of me and as a result I did not grow or learn. The past three and a half years though are a journey that I want to remember and understand because it has been an amazing experience.
Just over 3 years ago I made a decision to let go of my fear of commitment in every aspect of my life. The first commitment I made was to buy a home for my son and I. The idea of taking on a bond and owing that much money to anyone completely freaked me out but I bit the bullet and signed on the dotted line. The Universe saw I was serious and on the day the sale came through, I met my now, ex-boyfriend. We clicked immediately but the relationship was very casual. As soon as I realised that I really liked him, I freaked out and bolted and bewildered the poor soul. I did go back and grovel when I realised that I was just running away from a potential commitment but he was crushed and was not interested so I gave up. Thankfully he came back. I am glad we gave it a second chance. Here’s a few lessons I have learned about myself and relationships in general through the whole experience:
1. People view your words and actions through their own filters
I have always gotten frustrated with people when they don’t see things the way I do or at least acknowledged my point of view. Always. In this relationship, I was no different. People usually perceive it as me wanting to be right. In this relationship, it was no different. In some cases, where I knew something to be true then yes, I would insist on having my viewpoint at least acknowledged. I don’t need you to tell me I am right especially where I know I am but I do need to be heard. What you do with the information thereafter is your choice. You are entitled to your opinion after all. My friend’s mum always used to tell us that advice was free and that you were under no obligation to take it and neither was anyone under any obligation to take yours. What I have come to realise is that people view your words and actions through their own filters. Their reactions are not about what you said or did but about their perceptions created by their life experiences. Every time someone says or does something, we have a choice, we can assume that we know their intention or we can stop and ask for clarity. The former can lead to loads of misunderstandings and a lot of unnecessary frustration and pain. The latter leads to understanding and an opportunity to strengthen the bond that you have (or just ensures longer periods of peace in the relationship. š)
2. Everyone’s path is perfect
We all have our own paths in life. We all have our own dreams and how we achieve them is our business. It is our job to focus on manifesting our own dreams and leaving others to do the same. My ex was in a position to live my dream. As a result, I lived it vicariously through him and got frustrated when things weren’t working out or moving at a pace that I would have preferred. I lost focus on owning and manifesting my own goals and dreams because, if I must be honest with myself, I thought it was what I was supposed to do as a partner. I was wrong though. My job was to love and support him and focus on my own path. I also felt out of control because I was relying on him to achieve his goals instead of taking control of my own life. I have set myself back quite a bit so I am grateful that I now have the space to refocus. There is so much I want to achieve.
3. I am enough as I am
I have written about this before and it is worth mentioning again because it is so easy to forget. I am enough. I don’t have to feel less than that because one person does not appreciate my worth. Their inability to appreciate me is their choice and they are entitled to it. I thank them for the time we shared and the memories and release what was in love and appreciation. I have no regrets and am grateful for the experience of knowing and loving him for yes, he too is enough.
There are so many more lessons that I have learned which I will share over time. Now that all that is done with though, I look forward to my next relationship for I know that, thanks to these lessons, it will be an even richer experience. In the meantime, my new mantra is #refocusandrecreate. I am refocusing on my dreams and recreating my reality. My hands are open and I am ready to commit to the next person and or project that comes along.
I would love to hear the lessons you have learned from your relationships. Please do share in the comments section.
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Grounded African 