Category: Life

Facing It

I had been feeling out of sorts for the past 3-4 weeks. I wasn’t sure why. This past weekend it suddenly hit me what the problem was or at least I thought I did.

As it turns out, a person came in to my life a few months ago and, unintentionally, reminded me of a space I found myself in at one point. I felt so guilty at the time but things worked out brilliantly (largely) so I thought I was done with that period in my life. Suddenly, here it was, gnawing away at my conscience a little at a time. About 2 weeks ago I found myself in a situation which really set my alarm bells off and made me stop and think about what was really going on. 

I spent a day or two just contemplating it all. I sat and spoke it through with a very good friend and in the process, the real issue, came to the surface.   I had buried it so deep and overlaid it with a story that worked for me. I told myself I felt guilty about it but that wasn’t true . That belief in my guilt, that story that I told myself, has kept me trapped in the past and living in fear of consequences that are never going to happen for so long.

I cried as spoke to my friend. I cried because I realised that the thing that was really bugging me was that the one person I thought would be the last to judge me, was the only one who did. We were in it together. We chose to act together in a moment of time and then suddenly I was the bad person for taking the action with them but they were not. They refused to accept responsibility for their actions and laid the blame at my door. Not only did they blame me but they hurled the most devastating insults at me. Their insults made me question my worth as a human being and they made sure they insulted me every chance they got. Even though I knew that their behaviour was coming from a place of pain within themselves and, that I shouldn’t let it bother me, I clearly internalised it anyway. I was devastated then and it still hurts when I think of it now to be honest but at least now I know where the issue lies and I feel liberated. 

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Image: Canva

The reality is that the person that unintentionally acted as the trigger (let’s call them Lex), is also someone who has brought so much positivity in my life. I love the person that I get to see through their eyes. She is pretty awesome! 🙂 Perhaps that’s what really freaked me out, I have finally met another human being who I really respect, admire and enjoy and I treasure the connection that I have with them. I used to treasure my connection with the person who turned on me too which is why their harsh judgement of me hurt so much. I don’t want Lex to turn around and judge me in the same way one day.

I guess the moral of the story is that I need to accept that for every action I take, there will be consequences. Some good, some bad and some will be really bad. Every choice I make must be made with an acceptance that I will not have control over those consequences but I will have control over how I react and what I take from the experience. At the end of the day, even though it felt like that whole episode broke me at the time, the reality is that it didn’t. I am stronger and, now that I am actually working through it, a little wiser. 🙂

During our conversation, my friend taught me about the word Tawakkul which essentially speaks to putting your trust and faith in God in Arabic. She reminded me that it is not for me to question but rather to accept and surrender to the situations I find myself in. Everything is working out for my good all the time even when it looks like it may not. I might just make the word Tawakkul my next tattoo as a reminder to do whats in my control but leave the rest to God’s grace. 

That’s it for now! Thanks for reading.

Reflections

‘You will never have this day again so make it count’ – the cover of my new spiral notebook said. Ironic, given that death is top of mind for me today. It’s been 5 years since my mum passed away. While our lives have moved on, I sometimes find myself wondering what I could have done to make my time with her count more.

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As I have mentioned in previous posts, my mum and I were not very close. There is nothing I can do to change that, but it’s always good to reflect and learn from our experiences. Here’s what I’ve come up with:

I would have given her more grace.

I was (and still am) very headstrong as a kid. My mum and I would constantly clash. I thought I had all the answers. As a result, she would often send me to my dad for help with my homework, in an effort to preserve her sanity. I took this as a sign that she didn’t know the answers, but that wasn’t true. She knew. She just didn’t want to get into an argument if her answer wasn’t what I expected. I grew up believing that my dad was way smarter than my mum, but she was actually just as smart, if not smarter in some ways. I can only imagine how much better our relationship would have been and how much I would have learned from her if I had just given her some grace and respected her knowledge more.

I would have spent more quality time with her

I would have spent more time doing the things she loved with her. Baking was my mother’s love language. She poured her heart and soul into it, and it was evident in every morsel. As I write this, my son is making an apple pie in memory of her. It’s what she did with her grandchildren. It’s how she built a bond with them. They loved baking with granny, and it’s how my son chooses to connect with her even though she is gone. She and I also enjoyed word puzzles, so I tried to connect with her over that, but I could have done more. We also enjoyed reading, although she enjoyed romance novels the most, which was just not my thing. But I would read her books nonetheless and add some to her little bookshelf for when she was in the mood to read.

I seem to have intuitively done these things with my son. I have made it my priority to spend as much time as possible doing the things he enjoys so that we can share the bond that I didn’t get to share with my mum. I do appreciate that my mum had to split her time and energy between four very different daughters, so she did the best she knew how. I only have one child, and that is taxing enough, so I can only imagine what it was like raising four!

I was thinking back to the stories that people told of her at her memorial, and it was wonderful to hear how she became a mentor to some. My mother always loved giving back to the community, especially through the church, and it was evident that the manner in which she chose to give back had evolved from being part of committees to mentoring people. She kept giving back to the very end.

I do miss her terribly and always will. I am glad, though, that she is at peace where she is, and I am grateful that she is still there when I need her – just in a different form. I am also very grateful that she passed her baking skills on to my son. That apple pie he made was delicious!

I guess that’s it for now. Chat soon.

Not All Eating Plans are Created Equal

Hello Everyone! It’s been a while. How is it that we are halfway through the 2nd quarter of the year already? Anyway, I have popped in to share a recent experience with a weight challenge I joined. Know this for sure, not all eating plans are created equal.

Maya Angelou famously said, ‘ When someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them.’ Well, I have learned that this is not only true for people but for programmes as well. I recently took up my medical aid’s healthy weight challenge (yes, I am still on that journey😅). That was my first mistake.

Assumption is the mother of all…

The first alarm bells started ringing when I did the little survey when I signed up. There was no diabetic option under dietary requirements. I figured they already knew my diagnosis, so my diet would automatically be diabetic-friendly. I was wrong. I was pretty excited by the recipes they had provided. They looked simple enough and relatively tasty. More alarm bells went off when I saw the mention of low-fat yoghurt and what looked like a lot of carbs. Given all the bad press and the growing scientific evidence that low-fat is not as healthy as everyone thought it was, I was surprised that they are still recommending it. The other crucial red flag was that nutritional information was unavailable for the meals. The data was also kept from the dieticians that were supporting us. Despite all these red flags, I soldiered on. I had a dietician assigned to me, so I thought she would point out where a meal might need some adjustment for a person with diabetes. Once again, I was wrong.

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The Journey is Supposed to be Enjoyable

Nope, it wasn’t. It was stressful. I had to take pics of every meal and share them with the dietician daily. She would critique my meals which I really felt was unnecessary. Still, it was the closest I came to understanding the nutritional composition of my meals. Eventually, I resorted to using the app, My Fitness Pal to get a feel for how carb heavy my meals were. In the end, it was my body that confirmed that this eating plan was not working for me. I was not losing weight, and I felt bloated and uncomfortable. Thankfully, I wasn’t gaining weight, but I definitely didn’t lose any. Eventually, I made a choice to stop following the plan. The dietician is still available to me as I signed up for the 6-month program, so let’s see how that goes. She would cost way more for one visit than I pay for daily access to her expertise monthly, so why not.

So I have decided to keep most of my meals low carb, high fat. I need to get back to doing the 16:8 IF. I have let that eating window slide to about 10 hours because I have been eating my last meal too late. The good news is that since I stopped that eating plan, I have lost 2kg over about 3 weeks, which is a good start. Now I need to keep these good habits up so that number on the scale maintains its downward trend.

My son and I have also joined the gym, although we have yet to make it a regular habit. I love classes and started the step class. Oh, my hat! The pace is hectic! The routine is not as simple as it was 20 years ago (Yes, it is that long since I joined a step class🫣), and the instructor includes a few Zulu dance moves here and there. It is good fun, but phew, it is a challenge.

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Well, that’s it from me for now. I hope all the mums have had a delightful and blessed Mother’s Day today. Bye for now!