Category: Motherhood

I’m letting go of control …eek!

As I write this, my heart is beating a little faster and my chest is feeling just a little tighter.  A sense of panic is setting in.   I am a control freak and the idea of letting go of control scares me to death (or so it feels).  The truth is that I actually have very little control of what happens in my life, I do however have control over how I choose to respond to it.  And that, it turns out, makes all the difference.

As a kid, I often felt “caged in” by my circumstances.   Of course in hindsight, I see how blessed I was.  Nevertheless, as a result of this, I have spent my adult life trying to control every aspect of my life.  I felt like a complete and utter failure when things have not worked out as planned or when friends have left me out of something.  I have striven to have the “perfect life” and have been severely disappointed when I have felt that I have not succeeded.  “Perfect” for me equated to “independent”.  Independence meant that I never had to ask for permission and I never had to rely on anyone for anything.  Asking for help was a mortifying experience. The only way to achieve independence in my mind was through control of every aspect of my life.  Control of my money, my feelings, and even the people in my life.  I did accept that there were certain things that I had limited or no control over after a while and that it was ok but even that was a struggle at first and still is at times.  Turns out independence is overrated (mostly)

There was a day in my early 20’s somewhere when my mom and I had a huge fight.  I have no idea what the fight was about, but I remember phoning my dad after and ranting about how unfair my mother was and how I wanted nothing more to do with her.  The only thing I remember him saying to me during that conversation is “no man is an island”.   At the time, I remember thinking: “yah yah whatever. I can survive on my own”.  Turns out he was right.  I cannot do it all by myself.  I need help from time to time.  Every time I push someone away, I hear my dad’s voice saying “no man is an island” then I take a step back and question why I acted this way in the first place.  Is this someone that I will regret letting go of when I am 100 and on my death bed one day and why?  If the answer is yes, then I eat humble pie and try to make amends.  Sometimes they come back and sometimes they don’t.  If they don’t, well then, I guess they have served their purpose in my life and I in theirs and it is time for us both to move on.  Yes, I know, I probably should ask that question BEFORE I push them away but to be honest sometimes I just need the space to get clarity first.

In order to be in control and be independent, I need to be sure of everything and I need to be right about everything.  To be sure that I am right, I must choose an option and remain steadfastly glued to it.  I must find the evidence to support what I believe is right and ignore everything that points to me being wrong.  The problem with this approach of course is that I am not right because, well, who ever really is? The other problem is that I close myself off to other opportunities that I might actually enjoy more.

Soooo…my goal is to give up control (breathe Michelle, you will be OK…) and be more open to all the options and experiences available to me. To be more spontaneous.  To be less judgmental.  To be more wrong.   I don’t have a choice but to be independent right now but nowhere is it cast in stone that I have to be a control freak in order to be independent.  Besides, as a mother, my ability to let go of control of my son is tested every day.  Every day I have to leave him in someone else’s care.  Every day I have to stop myself from telling him what to wear and not impose my ideas on him.  I have to let him be him and not who I want him to be.  As a partner in a relationship, I had to constantly make compromises that I didn’t know I was capable of until the moment arrived. I gave up so much control and even a bit of independence that I would sometimes look in the mirror and wonder who the woman was that was looking back at me…lol.  I have no regrets though.  The person and experience were ultimately worth it.

Forward we move. I’m looking forward to getting my feet wet in life’s little puddles.  I am putting desires out there and letting them go for the universe to take of.

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Until next time…Keep smiling.

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“When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” — Dr. Wayne Dyer (Tick Tock Thursday #2)

I have really been battling with implementing my ideas about how I could create time. For instance, getting up early was easier to do then because my brain was working overtime anyway and I just couldn’t sleep. Once my brain got over itself I couldn’t get myself out of bed anymore to write. I am an owl by nature and dragging my self out of bed at that early just is not in my nature😜. In fact, it was draining me.

So what do I have to do to create time in my day for the things I want to do? Well…I read the quote by Dr Wayne Dyer and it really got me thinking. Do I need to change the way I look at my activities in order to change what I do and become more productive?

#canva #time #timemanagement #african #drdwaynedyer #productivity
Image: Canva

I have being giving this a try. When I open Facebook, for example, by the time I get to the third post or so, I say to myself: “what am I doing here? My time is finite. Is this bringing me any closer to where I want to be?” The answer is usually no when it comes to social media so I exit the app and move on to something I need to or want to do.

Essentially I am trying to change the way I look at time. When I see it as finite then I am more motivated to use it wisely. Too often I have found myself saying: “Ag, tomorrow is another day” but the truth is that tomorrow is not promised to me. Today is here. Today is now. I used to ask myself if I would regret a choice “when I am lying on my death-bed when I am 90” when I needed to make a decision. I guess instead of 90, I should be changing that to “at the end of today” when looking at the frivolous things I catch myself doing sometimes or when my son needs my attention while I am doing something. The later is a tough one of course because he must learn to respect other people’s time and needs so sometimes I have to just say “can we do that tomorrow” because I am on a deadline. More often though, I just need to say, ” Give mummy x more minutes” so that both our needs are met in the here and now.

I must admit I find this process more doable because I don’t necessarily have to plan my day too much. I just have to be more aware of how I am spending my time and make “in the moment” choices. I am also consciously working towards my goals every day.

If you are still looking for a productivity method, give this try. Let me know how it goes.

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Mummy…is the Easter Bunny Real?

One of those questions that just about every parent fears but has to face at some point. In fact, his actual words were: “Mummy, please be brutally honest with me. Tell me, is the Easter Bunny real?”. My heart sank. What do I tell him? “Most people say he doesn’t (picture a very crushed little face looking back at me at this point) but I believe in magic and I believe he does.” He seemed to accept that and immediately perked up. He clearly wasn’t ready to handle the truth.

I realised at that moment that I am in no way ready for him to accept the truth either. Accepting the truth about the Easter Bunny has all sorts of implications. It means that he is growing up! 😱 He is in such a hurry to grow up as well. He monitors his body every day to see if there is any new evidence of puberty sprouting somewhere.  He celebrates every new baby hair he sees under his arms and any hint of body odour means he is becoming a big boy:-).  He constantly asks about other signs that he needs to look for and is fascinated by the concept of an Adam’s apple.  It is such an amazing time in his life and a pleasure to be a part of although it feels scary at the same time.

Of course, all of this curiosity means that the time is fast approaching when we will need to have the talk.  I have no idea how I am going to approach it.  I have so many fears that if I approach it incorrectly, I will scar him for life!🤪 Do you have a son?  How did you approach it?  Please let me know what worked and what didn’t.  In other words…Help!

Yesterday my heart stopped again…we were in a health and beauty store when he asked me if he could ask a question.  Then he says: “No… it would be better if I showed it to you”.  I didn’t think much of it and followed him into the next aisle.  Where does he mosey on over to…yip you guessed it…the condoms! 😲 Like I said, my heart stopped but at the same time I was quite amused.  Until that moment, I had never noticed what was on the boxes (It was pics of women) and of course, they are at eye level of a curious 9-year-old boy (soon to be 10 I might add).  On the one hand, I was thrilled that he still trusted me enough to ask the question and that he was still innocent enough not to know what he was looking at.  On the other, I was so nervous about the questions that would follow.  I told him what they were but that I would explain to him when he is a little older what they were for as he doesn’t need to know now. He was happy to accept that answer for now…phew!

The next 3 or 4 years are going to be interesting but I am up for the challenge.   As the African proverb goes though…

#africanproverb #africanwisdom #motherhood #african

So do share your experiences on how you and your child/children got through puberty in the comments section.  I look forward to hearing from you.

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