Tag: Life

Facing It

I had been feeling out of sorts for the past 3-4 weeks. I wasn’t sure why. This past weekend it suddenly hit me what the problem was or at least I thought I did.

As it turns out, a person came in to my life a few months ago and, unintentionally, reminded me of a space I found myself in at one point. I felt so guilty at the time but things worked out brilliantly (largely) so I thought I was done with that period in my life. Suddenly, here it was, gnawing away at my conscience a little at a time. About 2 weeks ago I found myself in a situation which really set my alarm bells off and made me stop and think about what was really going on. 

I spent a day or two just contemplating it all. I sat and spoke it through with a very good friend and in the process, the real issue, came to the surface.   I had buried it so deep and overlaid it with a story that worked for me. I told myself I felt guilty about it but that wasn’t true . That belief in my guilt, that story that I told myself, has kept me trapped in the past and living in fear of consequences that are never going to happen for so long.

I cried as spoke to my friend. I cried because I realised that the thing that was really bugging me was that the one person I thought would be the last to judge me, was the only one who did. We were in it together. We chose to act together in a moment of time and then suddenly I was the bad person for taking the action with them but they were not. They refused to accept responsibility for their actions and laid the blame at my door. Not only did they blame me but they hurled the most devastating insults at me. Their insults made me question my worth as a human being and they made sure they insulted me every chance they got. Even though I knew that their behaviour was coming from a place of pain within themselves and, that I shouldn’t let it bother me, I clearly internalised it anyway. I was devastated then and it still hurts when I think of it now to be honest but at least now I know where the issue lies and I feel liberated. 

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Image: Canva

The reality is that the person that unintentionally acted as the trigger (let’s call them Lex), is also someone who has brought so much positivity in my life. I love the person that I get to see through their eyes. She is pretty awesome! 🙂 Perhaps that’s what really freaked me out, I have finally met another human being who I really respect, admire and enjoy and I treasure the connection that I have with them. I used to treasure my connection with the person who turned on me too which is why their harsh judgement of me hurt so much. I don’t want Lex to turn around and judge me in the same way one day.

I guess the moral of the story is that I need to accept that for every action I take, there will be consequences. Some good, some bad and some will be really bad. Every choice I make must be made with an acceptance that I will not have control over those consequences but I will have control over how I react and what I take from the experience. At the end of the day, even though it felt like that whole episode broke me at the time, the reality is that it didn’t. I am stronger and, now that I am actually working through it, a little wiser. 🙂

During our conversation, my friend taught me about the word Tawakkul which essentially speaks to putting your trust and faith in God in Arabic. She reminded me that it is not for me to question but rather to accept and surrender to the situations I find myself in. Everything is working out for my good all the time even when it looks like it may not. I might just make the word Tawakkul my next tattoo as a reminder to do whats in my control but leave the rest to God’s grace. 

That’s it for now! Thanks for reading.

Reflections

‘You will never have this day again so make it count’ – the cover of my new spiral notebook said. Ironic, given that death is top of mind for me today. It’s been 5 years since my mum passed away. While our lives have moved on, I sometimes find myself wondering what I could have done to make my time with her count more.

Photo by Olha Ruskykh on Pexels.com

As I have mentioned in previous posts, my mum and I were not very close. There is nothing I can do to change that, but it’s always good to reflect and learn from our experiences. Here’s what I’ve come up with:

I would have given her more grace.

I was (and still am) very headstrong as a kid. My mum and I would constantly clash. I thought I had all the answers. As a result, she would often send me to my dad for help with my homework, in an effort to preserve her sanity. I took this as a sign that she didn’t know the answers, but that wasn’t true. She knew. She just didn’t want to get into an argument if her answer wasn’t what I expected. I grew up believing that my dad was way smarter than my mum, but she was actually just as smart, if not smarter in some ways. I can only imagine how much better our relationship would have been and how much I would have learned from her if I had just given her some grace and respected her knowledge more.

I would have spent more quality time with her

I would have spent more time doing the things she loved with her. Baking was my mother’s love language. She poured her heart and soul into it, and it was evident in every morsel. As I write this, my son is making an apple pie in memory of her. It’s what she did with her grandchildren. It’s how she built a bond with them. They loved baking with granny, and it’s how my son chooses to connect with her even though she is gone. She and I also enjoyed word puzzles, so I tried to connect with her over that, but I could have done more. We also enjoyed reading, although she enjoyed romance novels the most, which was just not my thing. But I would read her books nonetheless and add some to her little bookshelf for when she was in the mood to read.

I seem to have intuitively done these things with my son. I have made it my priority to spend as much time as possible doing the things he enjoys so that we can share the bond that I didn’t get to share with my mum. I do appreciate that my mum had to split her time and energy between four very different daughters, so she did the best she knew how. I only have one child, and that is taxing enough, so I can only imagine what it was like raising four!

I was thinking back to the stories that people told of her at her memorial, and it was wonderful to hear how she became a mentor to some. My mother always loved giving back to the community, especially through the church, and it was evident that the manner in which she chose to give back had evolved from being part of committees to mentoring people. She kept giving back to the very end.

I do miss her terribly and always will. I am glad, though, that she is at peace where she is, and I am grateful that she is still there when I need her – just in a different form. I am also very grateful that she passed her baking skills on to my son. That apple pie he made was delicious!

I guess that’s it for now. Chat soon.

Letters to my son: #1 You are enough

I read somewhere recently that as parents, we are mere shepherds whose role it is to guide our children while they are in our care. I hope these letters will help him navigate life and help him find the path that God intended for him to walk.

mother and son in shadow on the sand
Just the two of us


Dear Alex,
Throughout life, you will meet people and find yourself in situations that will make you question your worth and abilities, and sometimes, you will even question your sanity. Sadly, a lot of the time, they will be people that you love and thought you could respect.
They will pick on your appearance, on what you say, and on what you do. They will also try to use your beautiful golden brown skin against you. They will try to belittle you in every possible way.
Don’t let them. Stand tall in the knowledge that you are enough just as you are. Everything about you is unique and is to be celebrated. Don’t ever be ashamed of who you are. Don’t let this make you arrogant, though. Remain humble and grounded. You will accomplish so much more by doing this.
Marianne Williamson says in her book “A Year of Miracles”: “The perfect you isn’t something you need to create because God already created it.” Please always remember this. You are enough as you are.
This is one of my favourite passages from Marianne Williamson’s book, A Return to Love. Let it help you when your confidence is low.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
― Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of “A Course in Miracles”

All my love and then some more,

Mum ❤️