I can’t remember the exact incident that brought this moment of reflection on last week. It was a real aha moment though. For once I could sit back, breathe, smile and honestly say that I like the person that I am becoming. I am becoming braver and stronger than I have ever been. I am learning to really trust my instincts and also to push my own boundaries. I am learning that the only limits that I have are the ones that I place on myself. What’s really blown my mind and challenged me the most is learning to accept that what I want is not always what I need and that what I need doesn’t always arrive in the form that I expected or would have chosen
Pushing my boundaries
I ended last year on a month of gratitude. I did that so I could be open to, and appreciate, new and greater experiences and things this year. The height of this has been accepting an invitation to represent a brand I work on on live TV. My dominant introverted side was beside herself when I accepted the invitation. Not only was I going tp be on live TV but I was going to have to do my own make-up as they just touched you up at the studio. I have never been good at doing my own make-up so I was quite nervous about this. I made a visit to the Mac Store in Gateway where the friendly, patient lady helped me find the right make-up for the occasion. An added bonus was that I finally found a red lipstick that I can wear confidently! It all did come at quite a price though…phew! The day arrived and off I flew to Cape Town. I did my make-up and let their makeup artist touch me up. The crew and staff were all so friendly and helped keep me calm. 4 minutes was all the slot was to take. 4 minutes of my life in which I exposed myself to approximately 1 million viewers in South Africa. Thank fully I did not know this stat at the time or I would have been even more nervous😜😂. Well, in those 4 minutes, I felt myself talking. laughing, and even blanking out at one or two moments. Could I have done better…for sure! Does it matter? In the bigger scheme of things…not really. What matters is that I did it. I went on live TV and I did not die or embarrass myself terribly. One thing I did learn is that I need to say more affirmations about thinking on my feet …lol. I know I have it in me if I just believe. Here’s the link to my 4 minutes of the ultimate exposure.
What I want vs What I need
This has become most obvious through my relationships with people and especially my boyfriend. Our relationship is like no other that I have experienced. There are certain behaviours in a relationship that I had always believed should come naturally and, with him they do. I didn’t have to wait for them to kick in, they just happened virtually from day 1. There are others that have gone completely against what I believed the norm is. These have had me reflecting on what’s important to me and what’s not. What compromises do I need to make to make this relationship work? How much of the difficult bits are difficult because our egos get in the way and how much is because we have just had very different life experiences? In a nutshell, I am finding that lessons that I spoke of in a previous post still hold true so I am doing my best to not repeat my past mistakes. It takes a daily effort though. Why does adulting have to so hard😜
The law of non-resistance
I am also learning to not resist. I sit and marvel at how quickly things fall away when I don’t resist them, when I surrender. Of course, my default reaction is to resist but I am getting better at recognizing it and making the switch to non-resistance. I like to use an affirmation which was shared in the book “The Jewel of Abundance” by Ellen Grace O’Brian. It goes like this:
“I am now in my right place. I am happy, healthy and prosperous in all ways. I live in the constant awareness of the presence of Spirit”
Just saying “I am now in my right place” and letting those words “soak” in, makes me feel centered and non-resistant to all that is taking place around me. I feel whole and complete and, very unusually for me, aware that I have the tools required to tackle anything that comes my way. Yes, I am finally developing confidence in myself and it feels good.
The power of forgiveness
At the end of last year, a friend suggested to me that one of the reasons that I wasn’t able to move forward in my life was because I hadn’t forgiven those whom I consciously or subconsciously believed had done me wrong in some way. She was right. I set about forgiving each one and sending them love from afar as well as forgiving myself for my role in the disharmony in our relationship. I then let each person and situation go mentally. I highly recommend this. It brought me a deep sense of peace and opened the door for new relationships to start and for some of the old friendships to be rekindled.
I could write for hours about my year thus far but I will stop here. At the end of the day, I am excited by the changes I see in myself and I like who I am becoming.
How is your 2019 going? Do you find yourself evolving with each new experience? Have you made any major changes or a series of small ones that are gaining momentum? Let me know in the comments below. I would love to hear from you.